What To Do If You Run Into Your Ex
No matter who is doing the breaking up, break ups are hard (like really hard). And the tough parts don’t end after the official break up conversation happens. It lingers, it follows us around. It is near impossible to break up with someone and not have them cross your mind again (downfall to memories is they don’t leave your brain when the person physically leaves your life). It could be as simple as seeing or hearing things that remind you of your ex-partner for just a brief moment. Hard skill to learn, but a must do after a break up is to learn the appropriate coping skills to use to not allow those reminders of your ex derail your day.
No matter who is doing the breaking up, break ups are hard (like really hard). And the tough parts don’t end after the official break up conversation happens. It lingers, it follows us around. It is near impossible to break up with someone and not have them cross your mind again (downfall to memories is they don’t leave your brain when the person physically leaves your life).
It could be as simple as seeing or hearing things that remind you of your ex-partner for just a brief moment. Running into your ex doesn’t just have to be in thoughts and memories, it could also be in the form of physically having to cross paths with them. Maybe you have mutual friends, go to the same school, or live in the same city, therefore having a higher potential of running into them face to face after the break up.
Hard skill to learn, but a must do after a break up is to learn the appropriate coping skills (that work for you) to not allow those reminders of your ex to derail your entire day.
Uh. Did I just hear you all say, “yeah, no thank you, I’m going to avoid my ex like the plague”?
I get it. I’m right there with you, no one wants to run into their ex (especially unplanned) but remember that we cannot control the actions of others, and we definitely cannot alter our entire life schedule so drastically just to avoid confrontation with one person.
What we can do though is plan (if you know me at all, you know that planning is my best friend).
Below we will uncover 6 steps you can take to handle the uncomfortable situation of running into your ex with as much grace as possible and keeping yourself safe in the process.
1. Consider the circumstances and react accordingly.
Take into consideration how your relationship ended. Was it on neutral terms? Was there unhealthy dynamics between the two of you? Emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse? Take some time to think back to this time and react accordingly to the situation at hand.
Let’s say you are walking into TacoTaco for lunch and from the sidewalk looking through the window you see your ex standing in line. You could 1) walk in and get your lunch and if you happen to make eye contact with them smile or have some small talk 2) wait outside for a few minutes till your ex is out of line and then go in 3) not get your lunch there today, and go somewhere else.
Those that ended on more neutral grounds, options #1 or #2 would be a good fit for you.
For those that ended on not so hot terms or there was safety concerns within the relationship, option #3 might be a good one for you (sorry no tacos today but sometimes you have to remember that in order to keep yourself safe you may need to avoid contact with this person altogether).
2. Accept that this may happen again.
Dependent on the size of your city, or if your run with the same crowd, you may run into your ex again. Prepare yourself for this, and put the work in to get yourself to a space where you can be comfortable with this possibility and not have to completely alter where you go and who you hang out with in order to avoid seeing your ex. If you still have feelings for your ex and find yourself getting emotional even thinking about them, this is a sign that 1) normal and 2) you are needing to spend a little bit more time grieving the loss of the relationship and doing some self-care and exploration either alone, or with a trained professional.
3. Know that you’re not obligated to catch up.
Remember that you are broken up. You do not have an obligation to catch up and act “normal” if you run into your ex. If you run into your ex and aren’t in the emotional space to talk or just don’t want to, then let them know that you are super busy right now and have a lot going on.
Do- “Nice to see you, wish we could catch up, but I actually have a lot on my plate today to get done. Let’s talk later.
Don’t- “I’m really busy right now and don’t have a lot of time and honestly don’t want to waste time talking to you (eye roll)”.
4. Stick to your guns.
If you run into each other, or don’t, if you talk to each other or avoid each other. Either way, your ex will be in your head at some point and time. Don’t let yourself waiver on what you know is right for you just because during a run in with your ex he/she said, “you look good”. After a comment like that, emotions will be brought up (no matter how much you try to push them down) but take some deep breaths and try your hardest to bring yourself back to a space where you can refocus your attention back on yourself and your goals.
5. Don’t put on a show.
Be true to yourself and your feelings. Though it can be tempting to act as if and want to throw it in your exes face that you don’t need them, and that you’re better off without them. Sometimes that’s not the case, and it is normal to go through a grieving process after the loss of a relationship. Give yourself the space needed to wrap your head, heart and body around this transition.
6. Stick to your normal routine.
Do what you normally do. If you usually go to the gym in the morning, keeping going in the morning, if you usually go to trivia on Wednesdays, keep going on Wednesdays. During this tough transition, sometimes people find comfort in their routine. No need to completely shift your schedule out of fear of running into your ex.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
10 Ways To Tell That You Are Stressed AF With Wedding Planning & What To Do About It
If you find yourself stressed AF at times throughout your planning process, it’s totally okay (and so normal). But if you feel like you’re starting to drown in uncharted waters that have become your wedding plans, you might want to slow down and take a breather.
If you find yourself stressed AF at times throughout your planning process, it’s totally okay (and so normal). But if you feel like you’re starting to drown in uncharted waters that have become your wedding plans, you might want to slow down and take a breather.
So how do you know the difference between normal wedding stress and stressed AF stress?
And what do you do if you realize that you are nearing or at the stressed AF spot?
We all know planning any event, let alone your wedding, isn’t going to be stress free. And I’m not trying to get you to a space where you feel light as a feather and don’t have a care in the world. Because you should have some cares (I mean it’s your wedding) and it’s completely normal to feel varying levels of stress during the months of planning for you and your partners big day. But when you start feeling bogged down or notice you’re not enjoying the process anymore, you need to take a moment to reevaluate what’s going down.
Below I will break down the top 10 signs to look out for that your stressed AF and various coping skills that you can implement to push you back into the “normal” wedding stress waters.
1. You are no longer enjoying the process of wedding planning.
Remember how excited you were before you got engaged? Planning and thinking about how great it’s going to be to plan your wedding together. Remember the day when you got engaged and how amazing that moment was? Now take some time and look at how planning is trucking along for you now. Are you still in that same excited state or do you feel like you are so consumed with pleasing everyone else? If you answered yes to the latter, maybe it’s time to take a step back and clear your head so you can remember more clearly those fond memories. Also, to take note that this is also a time to start creating new memories and to not have this time remembered as stressful, or even painfully emotional.
2. You are procrastinating a ton on all things wedding.
Procrastination for wedding planning looks a bit different than what procrastination in high school looked like. Unlike the way procrastination plays out in school where you might be able to piece together a last-minute paper that receives a passing grade, most people don’t want to memories of their wedding to be barely stitched together. In order to address the putting off all things wedding, you need to delegate wedding planning tasks and keep the planning moving forward.
3. You are constantly sick.
Stress is a sneaky son of a gun and can show up in our lives in several different ways. Some of the most common are: headaches, stomach aches, muscle pain or tension, low energy, reduced sex drive, grinding teeth, insomnia, chest pain and nervousness. If you notice these symptoms being a constant in your life, this is a way your body is telling you that it is time to destress.
4. Eloping doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.
If you have decided to elope in the first place, good for you! How fantastic. But if you are in the middle of planning your wedding ceremony and reception and are considering throwing the entire thing off to go to city hall because you fear going insane if you don’t. It is time to chill out. You are in the danger zone and need to channel your original idea and get excited for your wedding again!
5. Planning is taking over your life and it’s all you ever talk about.
If you have stopped doing things that you love and that make you happy, it is time to dial things back a bit the best way to address this is to realize that wedding planning needs to fit into your life, not the other way around.
6. You have set unrealistic expectations for the big day.
We all know that nothing in this world is perfect (and yes that includes your wedding). So, with that knowledge, instead of aiming for perfection, try shooting for excellence. This shift in thought may assist in helping you to relax and soften your expectations.
7. You and your fiancé are constantly fighting.
If you and your fiancé are bickering back and forth more so than positive exchanges, this might be a sign your both stressed AF. The reset button is needed to be pushed (stat). Schedule a date night where wedding planning talk is completely off the table and just spend this time enjoying each other’s company and remembering why you are getting married.
8. You are trying to do it all, alone.
If you have a wedding planner, great. Remember that you are paying them to assist in planning your wedding, so let them do their job. Not saying you need to hire a wedding planner, not everyone needs them and that’s totally fine. But you shouldn’t be the only one steering the ship when it comes to the big day. Focus on the items that excite you and delegate the rest to your partner, parents, friends, and family. You won’t regret it!
9. You are falling back into unhealthy behaviors.
Find yourself drinking too much? Smoking again? Not working out? Having negative thoughts? This often happens when you are at the end of your rope. Get help fast and don’t let yourself fall back onto your maladaptive coping skills. Suggestion to lean on your friends and family for support, find a motivating workout buddy, or seek assistance from a professional therapist.
10. You are constantly annoyed by everyone around you.
Notice that you are on edge each time someone brings up your wedding? Can’t seem to relax when others around you give their 2 cents about the dos and don’ts of weddings? Two big signs that you are way too stressed and are needing to refocus your thoughts. Try to focus on why you are getting married in the first place and look at it from a broader scope and not hyper focused on every single, minute detail.
If you are aligning with more than one of these warning signs, keep reading (and if you aren’t, keep reading too because errybody could use some more self-care in their lives)!
How To Take Care Of Yourself During This Naturally Stressful Time
Meditate
Download a mindfulness app, or go to YouTube to find a recorded meditation to follow. Mindfulness can do wonders for the mind, body and soul.
Consider softening scents
Lavender, jasmine, chamomile, and basil have great soothing powers. Dab some essential oil onto your wrists to shift your mood quickly or use a scented candle or brew a floral tea.
Adopt a mantra
I will listen to my partners opinions.
I will forgive.
I will understand that the world doesn’t revolve around my wedding.
I will remember what this day is about.
I will not feed into the drama.
I will stay positive.
I will take care of myself.
I will be gracious.
Allow yourself to be nervous
Fear often accompanies pre-wedding excitement and joy. Its normal, healthy even, to question this lifetime commitment and just because you have concerns, doesn’t mean you don’t want to get married.
Jot down your feelings
Journal about the experience. This is a safe and accessible way for you to express the emotions you’ve kept bottled up.
Don’t be afraid to delegate
You can’t do it all on your own (though you are quite super). Enlist your friends and family to help during the planning stage and for day of preparation.
Pamper yourself
Treat yo self. Go get a pedi or mani, take a long hot bath, get a massage or a facial and think about keeping that balance in your life.
Take care of yourself
Exercise has positive emotional and psychological effects. Go out for a walk or run, dance around your kitchen, or go to a workout class. Any type of physical movement will help produce more uplifting and stress stabilizing endorphins.
Stay connected with your fiancé
If you have any concerns about your upcoming nuptials (it’s okay), find the courage to tell your partner. Some say that if you two can weather the storms of your engagement anxiety together, it bodes well for the rest of your marriage.
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
Written by: Shannon Gonter LPCC, NCC
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
How To Name Shame And Then Let It Go
Lots and lots of emotions out there, like lots. And they fall all over the map from positive to neutral to negative (with some fluctuating on placement dependent on the given situation). My personal opinion (and a popular one) on emotions is that not a lot of emotions are inherently “bad” or “negative” to feel, it’s what we do with that emotion that can be “bad” or “negative”. But there is an exception to this rule, and I will say, with confidence, that shame can almost always be classified as a “bad” emotion.
Lots and lots of emotions out there, like lots. And they fall all over the map from positive to neutral to negative (with some fluctuating on severity dependent on the given situation). My personal opinion (and a popular one) on emotions is that not a lot of emotions are inherently “bad” or “negative” to feel, it’s what we do with that emotion that can be “bad” or “negative”. But there is an exception to this rule, and I will say, with confidence, that shame can almost always be classified as a “bad” emotion.
Now what is shame. We hear it from time to time but honestly a lot of people confuse shame with guilt. And it can get tricky to differentiate between the two sometimes. “What is shame?” or “What’s the difference between shame and guilt?” is actually the top Googled items when it comes to shame. So, let’s clear some things up before continuing on…
Gershen Kaufman stated that, "Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within."
Therefore, the difference is that “Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is, "I am bad." Guilt is, "I did something bad." – Brene Brown
So, from here on out when I talk about shame, I'm not talking about anyone actually doing anything wrong. I am talking about the feelings, and thoughts that we are somehow wrong, defective, inadequate, not good enough, or not strong enough.
To break it down a little more, lets walk through the some of the most common ways experience shame.
Withdrawing
Seems to be the most common response to shame. When you feel rejected or humiliated, you may begin to isolate yourself from connecting with others to avoid running into this feeling again. In the moment this may look like slumping your posture, avoiding eye contact or lowering your head. All of this makes sense and at times is a natural protective factor response to humiliation, but this eventually turns into a cycle and you may start to avoid going out with friends or often feeling “checked out”.
Attacking Yourself
No hidden psychological meaning here. This is what it says. Attacking yourself. The inner dialogue that we each have turns negative and says things like “I am stupid, I lack value, I am ugly, I am defective, I am unworthy etc.” After some time, these thoughts infect your actions and you start presenting yourself outwardly as if you are stupid, lack value or are ugly.
Lack of Balance
Avoidance: Don’t like experiencing all these negative feelings? Simple solution seems to just turn them off then, right? Unfortunately, emotions don’t work like this – they don’t have an off switch. They may be turned off/ignored/repressed by you, but they are still very much a part of you and inside you. Since you are not actively engaging with them, they show up in your life through excessive drinking, drug usage, spending etc.
Doing More Of: So, let’s say you are feeling shame around your sexual activity and you have a thought that if you just do it more, and get more comfortable with it, then the shame with dissipate. Now this would work (if shame wasn’t in the picture) but shame is in the picture for you, so this strategy doesn’t work. In the end you may become more promiscuous and therefore building up your shame opposed to working to lower it.
Over Doing: Maybe you notice that you often over do, over give, over share, over strive on things that you are proud of in order to ignore those situations that bring discomfort into your life.
Attacking Others
Appears to be a common sign of shame and comes off in varying degrees. Maybe it is putting others down, demeaning them, being cruel or even emotional and physical abuse. These are often played out to show a dominance or power over someone else (since you can’t get a handle on or take power over your feelings of shame).
So now what? Don’t worry I won’t leave you hanging.
The following steps can assist you in breaking the cycle of shame.
Step 1: Name It!
Think back and determine when you started feeling this way
Assess how your body experiences shame
Process those feelings (either alone or with someone else)
By doing this your relationship with shame will change and it will start to play a less powerful role in your life.
Step 2: Set Realistic Expectations
Recognize your physical, emotional and cognitive restrictions and plan accordingly. Though it is good to do your own research and read blogs, you may not find relief there. Given that shame starts in infancy and gets built on throughout our lives, there is usually a lot of items to dig through and most people see best results with assistance from a mental health professional.
Step 3: Tell The World!
Not really. I mean you can if you want, but what I mean is talk to someone who will understand and not cast judgement on you. In the end it is our inner thoughts that are keeping us locked in the room with shame, so why not allow someone else into the room to assist in looking at it from a different light. This will often allow you to understand that we judge ourselves on a harsher scale than others judge us and eventually release the shame from the body.
Step 4: Change Your Inner Voices
Adding onto the thought that we judge ourselves harsher than others judge us, try to reframe your inner voice. Think about it in terms of “would I say this to someone else” (and if not, don’t say it to yourself). Most of the time you wouldn’t, so let’s try to be kind to ourselves and shift your inner dialogue.
I understand that the title of the blog (How To Name Shame And Then Let It Go) may be misleading to some and that “if I name it, then it’ll go away and won’t come back”, but that isn’t the case with shame. Working through the shame in our lives takes time, requires active effort (on your end and often others) and hard work (months, maybe years…). So, you may think “okay then, why not name the blog something else.” Thought about it (obviously), but I just kept coming back to the process of letting go. Often change is difficult, scary and intimidating and throughout the process it may make you feel vulnerable or exposed. Involved in this process is letting go of those maladaptive behaviors that covered your shame and eventually replacing them with different, more positive and adaptive skills therefore lowering the exposed necked feelings.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Yep. Its summer again.
Schools letting out, graduations are happening, more daylight is here and maybe even time for a vacation or two. Lots of exciting things happening…
Schools letting out, graduations are happening, more daylight is here and maybe even time for a vacation or two. Lots of exciting things happening…
Now most of you are probably like “heck yes, finally I love the warm weather” and then the other half of you are out there like “wait, wtf why do I still have to be at work when it’s so nice out”. Uh reality. I know, it sucks sometimes. Now, we can usually alter our schedules a little and maybe take off a little early on a Friday and go to the park and enjoy the weather or use some of our time off to take a vacation to the beach. But we don’t always have control of how our bodies naturally adjust to the season changes.
So much good can come with seasonal changes, and maybe you are one of the lucky ones who transitions smoothly, and if so, rock that out and enjoy every moment of finding your perfect summer work – life balance. But for those who struggle every couple months when the seasons change, and can identify with how frustrating these times can be, keep reading.
The transition may be frustrating because you feel a change in your emotions or overall mood, and don’t know why. I have a lot of clients express a dip in their emotions during seasonal changes, but I also have clients who express an elevated mood and feelings of spontaneity during the summer. Though this boost can be refreshing after the dark of winter and the rain of spring, it can also be difficult because you are SO eager to get outdoors and stay out to enjoy ALL the activities and soak up ALL the sun.
But reality check, you can’t do it all, you’ve got to prioritize!
Here are some tips that might help you adjust to the “boost” summer might bring and how to maintain some balance in your day to day.
Sleep
Over the coming weeks, take note of your sleeping patterns and ask yourself: Am I sleeping more than usual? Less than usual? Am I napping and usually don’t? Am I feeling like I can go without sleep some nights in order to not miss out on the summer nights activities? Dependent on your answers, maybe you need to find more balance within your sleeping habits. It is important to note that if you wear yourself out in June, you might not be able to partake in the end of summer festivities as you originally planned. Our bodies have quite the memories and with age they don’t recuperate as nicely as they did in our younger years. This leaves you feeling drained and therefore less present and effective in your day to day life.
Drink
Drinking should always be a thing, all four seasons of the year, all day, erryday. An importance to drinking more during seasonal transitions though is that your body can adjust more quickly to heat and activity when you are well hydrated. This should go without saying, but I’m not talking about drinking more coffee here, or more beer, or more soda. I am talking about water, drink more water! If you are into drinking caffeinated drinks or alcohol, then even more reason to drink more water (after your beverage of choice of course).
I’m no cop, and I’m not here to tell you to stop drinking alcohol, to track the number of drinks you have or to change your relationship with alcohol. I am here to question and bring awareness to how your alcoholic intake might change with the seasons. Do you notice any changes during the summer with how much you drink? Where are you drinking? Are you drinking on the weekdays? Just on the weekends? Are you drinking alone? Socially? Just take some moments and answer these questions and truly evaluate if the answers align with your summer goals.
Exercise
Be creative with this one. I mean if you have a gym membership, by all means go there to get your sweat on! We all know how pricey those can be and don’t want you wasting your money. But maybe on your days off get outside and relieve some stress through different activities. Some examples are to go for a hike, play some volleyball, or rent a kayak. These can be great physical workouts to do alone, or with a group, as well as something that you can’t do year-round (like going to the gym) so try switching it up and see how you like it.
Bring your focus this summer into maintaining more balance, loving yourself, and relying on your community for nurturing and support.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
You Cannot Change Anyone But Yourself (A Hard Lesson To Learn)
It is impossible to not notice the actions of others around you (friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers online…) and it makes it highly difficult to separate those actions from yourself when those behaviors trigger you. I mean I even get annoyed of people’s behaviors that I don’t even know! Just seeing certain things online or hearing about a friend’s friend I cringe over certain actions and so desperately want to get ahold of their lives and whip them into shape!
Ever find yourself getting upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors? If you answered “yes” then…guess you’re alone on that one because no one else in this world does. Good luck in dealing with that. End of the post.
JUST KIDDING! I AND THE REST OF HUMANITY ARE RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.
It is impossible to not notice the actions of others around you (friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers online…) and it makes it highly difficult to separate those actions from yourself when those behaviors trigger you. I mean I even get annoyed of people’s behaviors that I don’t even know! Just seeing certain things online or hearing about a friend’s friend I cringe over certain actions and so desperately want to get ahold of their lives and whip them into shape!
But. That’s not how life works.
The fact is, you only have control over YOUR thoughts, YOUR behaviors and YOUR emotions.
This concept has been drilled into us since an early age (but that doesn’t mean we know how to appropriately integrate it into our adult lives). Personally, I was told over and over by my parents that “they are looking for a reaction, if you just don’t react, they’ll stop picking on you”. But let’s be serious what 8-year-old (or 28-year-old) understands that logic and has the self-control to put that into action!?
Another thing that is so highly connected to this idea is that we can influence others behaviors, thoughts and emotions based off your responses and reactions. This concept is something I did not catch onto until I was a young adult and is honestly something I still have to learn over and over again. I have to continuously hold myself accountable and remind myself to focus on me and not the actions of others.
Some tips that have helped me remember this are:
Tip 1: Making changes in your own life helps give you perspective on the people around you.
When you come to terms with the very inconvenient truth that you cannot change others you can then explore how you feel about other people that you allow in your life. Is this someone that you need in your life? That benefits your life? That is in your life because you’ve known them for so long? Or because they have a lot of money? Or because they have a powerful holding over you? When you start to expect more from yourself, you start expecting more from the others in your life.
This takes time and won’t happen overnight. But I have seen through my personal path to wellness and with my clients that personal progress leads to heightened levels of confidence that creates more rewarding relationships. Simple fact is, when you get to know yourself better, you will get better at deciding who you should trust and surround yourself with.
Tip 2: Moving forward in your own growth demonstrates to others that change is possible.
New hope and curiosity can be sparked in those around you when they see the hard work and time you are putting into your emotional needs. From my experience and with the clients I have witnessed change in, it usually inspires other to do the same. This is no guarantee, so don’t come back to me when your partner doesn’t change their behaviors after you’ve spent months putting in the work on your end. Your motivation to move forward on your path to personal growth should not be fueled by wanting other people to change (and if it is then check yourself, because changes made for others are usually short lived).
Tip 3: You must be compassionate with yourself and be realistic in your expectations for yourself.
Be patient with yourself. Remember that this is a marathon, not a race. You have lived a certain way for decades, and it is going to take more than reading one blog (or several blogs) to make those changes set in for real. Suggestion during this time is to start small and honor the moments when you achieve one of your baby goals. Maybe its setting an appropriate boundary (and sticking with it). Possibly with your friend that you will not lend them money each month anymore, or maybe with your mom that you don’t need to tell her every little thing that happened throughout the day but that you’ll update each other on a weekly phone call.
Major take away:
Though other people might not be ready for change (and cannot be forced to change), and they may be more comfortable if you would just stay the same way you are now (to make themselves feel more comfortable with not changing). You’ve got to focus on yourself and get on the path to wellness and it is there that you will inspire yourself, honor the counseling process and maybe even encourage others on the path.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
We All Love To Talk, Until It’s Our Turn To Have The ‘Difficult Conversation’
Your palms get sweaty, you feel that lump in your throat, you know you need to say something, but it just never feels like the right time. You don’t know where to start, but you know if you could just get that first word out it would all be better, but you just can’t. So, you hold it in, and you hold it in and then you hold it in a little bit more, until you can’t. And then you lose your shit and explode like no other either at that individual, or at someone totally uninvolved like the lady at Kroger who isn’t scanning your groceries fast enough.
Your palms get sweaty, you feel that lump in your throat, you know you need to say something, but it just never feels like the right time. You don’t know where to start, but you know if you could just get that first word out it would all be better, but you just can’t. So, you hold it in, and you hold it in and then you hold it in a little bit more, until you can’t. And then you lose your shit and explode like no other. Maybe at that individual, or at someone totally uninvolved like the lady at Kroger who isn’t scanning your groceries fast enough.
We’ve all been there, and it sucks. I want to take some time and share some steps you can take to better prepare for these difficult conversations (so you don’t explode on innocent bystanders). Now, this doesn’t mean that life will now be a breeze, and you’ll have a PHD in difficult conversations. I mean I don’t think you’ll be knocking on your neighbor’s door asking, “do you have anything really hard and worrisome to say to your boss or your partner today? If so, I’ll do it for you! I thoroughly enjoy having difficult conversations!” But I do think you will be able to prepare and approach these conversations from a different angle and in the end receive better results.
Before the conversation:
Define your needs (be direct and specific)
I know a lot of people like to skirt around the issue and take the scenic route to the point of conversation. But honestly that just makes it confusing (for all) and adds more pieces to the puzzle that don’t need to be there. Just ask yourself, “what am I wanting out of this conversation” and see what comes up for you (writing these things down often helps). When you take the time to do this it is easier to understand your true emotions about the subject and easier to separate them from the behavior you may want someone to change.
Start of the conversation:
Describe your emotions
Be cautious of how you start out the conversation. You want to create a calming, compassionate setting so the recipient doesn’t have to automatically put their defenses up. Try not to use all of nothing statements (you always do this, you always do that) or make assumptions (I bet you think I’m crazy…). I suggest using an I statement to start the conversation out. For example: don’t say “you always make me feel so sad”, maybe say “I feel sad. Can I talk to you about something? It’s been on my mind for a long time and I want to open up.”
Describe the situation
After your emotion-based starter statement and the environment has been set for your difficult topic, take a deep breath and go. Remember to be clear and concise.
How To
“I was worried and angry when you came home at 2am on a Tuesday night drunk.”
How Not To
“You are always coming home so late on weeknights, and you’ve clearly had over your limit to drink, you sure know how to push my buttons!”
Then, stop and take another deep breath and allow the other person to digest the information and respond accordingly. If this is the first time you are trying this out (and usually respond like the how not to example), the person on the receiving end might need some extra digestion time to adjust their expectations for the rest of the conversation. So try your best to be patient.
Open the conversation up for discussion and compromise
Now there is no guarantee about how this will go, and there are a couple different routes.
1) Maybe the other persons defenses are already so high, and they just aren't ready for that conversation and shut it down immediately.
2) Maybe the other person just isn’t ready for that conversation right now, so you set a time to revisit this topic after having some time to think it over.
3) Maybe a productive conversation is able to be had and a compromise or solution about how to move forward can be made.
Honestly, none of these responses are good or bad, or right or wrong, but they will give you a good idea of how steady of a ground your standing on in regards to that topic. Remember that this is not a one and done thing but is something that is ever evolving and may take more time with others than it does for you.
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
5 Things To Check In On This Spring
Along with the brighter days, fresh flowers and upcoming outdoor activities comes a period of transition for you and your health.
Along with the brighter days, fresh flowers and upcoming outdoor activities comes a period of transition for you and your health.
Be gentle with yourself
If you’ve been less active this winter season and fully embraced your hibernation, go you! Your body appreciates the resting time, but now it’s time to get back out there and smell the flowers (literally). Though it is time to come out of hibernation, remember to take it slow and listen to your body. It can sometimes be difficult to withhold yourself when you’ve been cooped up for so long but just try. Refrain from jumping right in and doing a marathon week one into spring. You need to get your body and muscles used to the warmer weather, more movement and conditioning (then go run your marathon)!
Throughout the early spring season keep an eye out on the following…
Eat in season
There is a deeper reason as to why certain foods are stocked on the Kroger shelves at varying times of the year. There are wise things to be said about eating for the season you are in. Foods that are currently growing have a direct connection to the needs of our bodies. For example, in the winter we usually eat more (or see more in Kroger) root vegetables and squashes, that are high in Vitamin D, to make up for the lack of sun we are receiving. In spring we eat (or walk by in Kroger) a lot of leafy greens, fruits, and raw vegetables that are full of antioxidants and provide us with a cleanse and tons of energy for the higher levels of physical activity that spring brings. So if you are typically one of the ones who walks by the seasonal foods in Kroger, maybe switch it up and try a bell pepper and hummus, or a leafy green salad for lunch this spring season.
Your drinking habits
Drinking should always be a thing, all four seasons of the year, all day, erryday. An importance to drinking more during seasonal transitions though is that your body can adjust more quickly to heat and activity when you are well hydrated. This should go without saying, but I’m not talking about drinking more coffee here, or more beer, or more soda. I am talking about water, drink more water! If you are into drinking caffeinated drinks or alcohol, then even more reason to drink more water (after your beverage of choice of course).
Bearing the pain
Allergies. We all know them, and we all hate them. To try and get ahead of the pollen and mold that spring brings, wash your hands and clothing after being outdoors and keep an eye on the pollen count. Suggested to stay indoors and keep windows shut when levels are high and to use a dehumidifier in areas that often get moist.
Also, changes in the air pressure, temperature and humidity levels often lead to heightened pain levels for those with joint and nerve pain. Certain foods and supplements may assist in making the pain more tolerable, but it is suggested that you contact your physician for further consult.
Check your mood
Though Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is commonly connected to fall and winter, it can also show up in spring and summer and often goes unnoticed because “you should be happy it is getting sunnier outside” or “you should just go for a walk now that its warmer and you’ll feel better”. Some things to be on the lookout for are high levels of anxiety, sleeplessness, exhaustion, agitation, changes in energy levels, feelings of worthlessness and deep sadness, and lack of appetite. Unfortunately, sunnier days and the ability to go for a walk outdoors aren’t always going to lessen these symptoms. Therefore, if you notice these symptoms please reach out to a mental health or medical professional for assistance.
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
#FOMO
Ever wonder what was there before #FOMO? Was there anything? Were we missing out as much on things before? Were we having this same fear before someone hash tagged it?
Ever thought about who invented FOMO? Personally, I never really did. It just wasn’t a thing and then it was a thing and I never really questioned it. Kind of assumed it was some trendy teenager that came up with the term. But it wasn’t. The term FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) was invented by Harvard MBA graduate Patrick J. McGinnisto to assist in business decision making (man did that intention go awry).
Questions…
Ever wonder what was there before #FOMO?
Was there anything?
Were we missing out on things as much before?
Were we having this same fear before someone hash tagged it?
I spent some time thinking about and researching this and it’s apparent that humans held a fear of missing out well before the digital age. So, I spent some more time placing a name to it, and honestly FOMO at its core is ANXIETY. If you are someone who resonates with FOMO (often says it, posts it, thinks it…) but are having a hard time aligning with anxiety --- and are like “I’m not anxious, my mom is anxious, no, no you don’t know what you are talking about” (ding ding ding- your probably anxious and now maybe even a little more anxious because I’m telling you that your anxious). But it’s okay, you are not alone. Anxiety is a natural response to being a human and interacting with others and there are steps you can take to assist you in lowering your anxiety (aka FOMO) levels.
Let’s take a look at the symptoms of both and see if there are any similarities…
ANXIETY
Physical
Stomach ache
Sleep issues
Increased heart rate
Dizziness…
Mental
Feeling like your going crazy
Fear of impending doom
FOMO
Physical
Stress eating
Salvation
Obsessive behaviors (refreshing Snap Chat one million time in a minute to see if there is a new post)
Sweating…
Mental
Feeling like your temporary going insane
Panic…
See the similarities? Okay, so now what…
Admit and Accept
Step 1: Repeat after me. “I mentally cannot handle the pressure and physically cannot be everywhere at all times, looking my best, and doing the coolest things all the time, and THAT IS OKAY.”
Step 2: Repeat.
Step 3: Repeat again and again and again some more.
During this phase you will feel like a secret has been unleashed and that a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Being able to admit and accept that you are experiencing social anxiety and acknowledging your insecurities will assist you in learning how to tackle the problem.
Limit your activity
If you can, turn off your phone for an hour, several hours, a day even. Re-create the ways you start your mornings, or a different way to deal with down time without having your phone glued to your hands.
But I get it, our phones house vital information for our day to day lives and they can’t exactly be turned off for extended periods of time. So, maybe just limit your activity throughout the day. Be intentional about the times you check social media. For example: you ride public transport to work for 40 minutes each day, so this is now your designated time to check social media. Just try it (for at least a week). Find a time of day that works for you and only look at your social media accounts then and see how you feel.
Practice mindfulness
I know, I know welcome to another blog that preaches about mindfulness. Gets old after a while, huh? BUT THERE IS A REASON EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.
Mindfulness is a therapeutic technique that refers to a nonjudgmental observation or awareness that is focused on the present experience. It has been proven to reduce rumination, stress and emotional reactivity and boost the working memory, focus and relationship satisfaction. Some simple ways to tap into mindfulness today are: body scans, guided meditations, or an app.
These above-mentioned steps on how to conquer your #FOMO will help you enjoy what you are doing in the here and now, and not be hyper focused on what else you could be doing.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
5 Counseling Myths
No matter what the topic is, there seems to be myths out there about it. Whether it’s that gum takes 7 years to digest once swallowed, or that cracking your knuckles causes arthritis. Not sure why myths are created, or what roots these counseling myths were originated in, but my thought is that they were created by people who were afraid to take the leap into personal growth, and/or who had a negative experience in counseling.
No matter what the topic is, there seems to be myths out there about it. Whether it’s that gum takes 7 years to digest once swallowed, or that cracking your knuckles causes arthritis. Not exactly sure why myths are created, but I do have some thoughts about the counseling myths i’ve heard over the years. Not sure what roots these counseling myths were originated in, but my thoughts are that they were created by people who were afraid to take the step into personal growth, and/or who had a negative experience in counseling.
Below are 5 myths debunked by me (the original myth buster).
1. COUNSELING MAKES PEOPLE TOO FOCUSED ON THEMSELVES
It’s true that counseling involves reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, choices, and relationships and increasing your self-awareness. But the point of all that increased awareness is to allow you to make more informed choices about what’s important to you, how you get your needs met in the world, and how you impact other people. While it does take a certain amount of self-reflection, it often results in you being more attuned to and present with other people in your life.
Taking care of yourself actually frees you up to be a better friend, partner, parent, and colleague.
2. COUNSELING WILL COST ME A FORTUNE
If you aren’t being reimbursed by your insurance company, counseling services can add up. But it is worth it! You are investing in your future. Before you say “it’s too pricey,” think about the cost of NOT doing therapy. Possible decline in job performance? Continued stress in relationships? Feelings of dissatisfaction with yourself and your life?
3. A COUNSELOR WILL FIX MY PROBLEMS RIGHT AWAY
The goal of counseling is not for someone else to “fix” your problems. Counselors are here to help you to identify those concerns and to set new goals for yourself. In therapy you will solve problems by working with with your counselor to explore your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. In doing so, you can explore all your options and make a decision as to how to best achieve your goals. In the end, YOU know yourself the best, therefore YOU are the best one to “fix” your problems!
4. ASKING FOR HELP IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS
Contrary to this belief, it takes a great deal of emotional strength to seek help for problems that may be too overwhelming to manage by yourself.
5. A COUNSELOR CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GOING THROUGH IT THEMSELVES
Each individual is unique, and no other human being sees the world exactly as you do. To achieve a complete understanding of your specific situation would be impossible. However, counselors have years of extensive training that allows them to learn about, be sensitive to, and respect each and every one of your unique experiences.
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
5 Ways To Stop Yourself Before Falling Into The Trap of Jealousy
Do you ever feel like you are completely failing at this whole “don’t compare yourself to others” thing?!
Though this is a ridiculously posed picture, I really like the stated message. In my opinion, a more accurate picture would be 6 macarons (minimum), no leaves (I mean c’mon, why are they even there?!), maybe a plate (but if we are being honest…no plate), a glass of milk (nom), a couch and Netflix (yasss). Okay, sorry, back to the message.
ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS.
Well ain’t that the darn truth. But honestly, easier said than done. Enjoying the little things in a world that is so focused on the external, on the new, on the go, and on to better things even though what you have in front of you is so damn good, is really hard to do.
What makes it even harder is how difficult it is to have things in your life that you do treasure and not posting them on social media (because we all know that social media cycle oh so well).
Okay so imagine this, you’re on a wonderful vacation with your family (honestly having a blast and treasuring all the little things in life) but then you get some down time and start scrolling through your feed. You see Sally’s picture of a gift her boyfriend got her and how lucky she is to have him in her life, Allen posts a photo at the bar with his buds (having a blast), and you see all sorts of random people’s engagements photos. Then you start to think I wonder what they think I am doing right now…they probably don’t think I am doing anything, but why should I even care about that because I am doing something and making memories with my family and then…
BAM!
Next thing you know you post a picture of your beautiful family on vacation with an oh so clever caption and emoji combination and start reeling in the likes.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I love social media and think it serves more good in the world than not, but I question the motives behind posts sometimes.
Do you ever feel like you are completely failing at this whole “don’t compare yourself to others” thing?!
It’s kind of a sneaky thing and none of us intend to fall into its trap. But we do. We all have difficulties brushing off those uncomfortable feelings when they arise. Sometimes that quick scroll through Instagram can leave us feeling jealous and feeling less satisfied with our lives.
If you feel like you are struggling with this, keep reading, because I have some tips for you to stop yourself before falling face first into the trap.
Tip 1- Notice your thoughts
Take note of your thoughts, more importantly your automatic thoughts. For example, when your scrolling (and mindlessly liking things) and thinking “I wish I had more money to travel like Jim”, or “I’ll never get as many likes as him”, or “How did she afford that? We make the same and I can’t buy that”. By taking note, and maybe even writing these thoughts down (to see how ridiculous they are) you will then be able to confront the thoughts and start working through them.
Tip 2- Acknowledge your beliefs
As you review your automatic thoughts, look deeper into what meanings are attached to them. For example, “no one ever likes or comments on my selfies, that must mean I am ugly”. Deeper meaning here- maybe you are (or have been for a while) struggling with self-confidence surrounding your appearance and need to do some self-care and acceptance around that topic.
Tip 3- Find the trap
Beware! Heads up and don’t fall into the trap! Unhelpful thoughts almost always stop us in our tracks. Some of the most common ones are: jumping to conclusions, black and white thinking, predicting the future, what if scenarios, assuming you are a mind reader, overgeneralizing, focusing on the negatives etc.
Tip 4- Evidence
Refer back to step 2 and see what factual evidence (like real facts, not distorted belief patterns) supports or refutes your unhelpful thoughts. Usually there aren’t a lot of factual evidence (usually a lot of distorted beliefs that we have convinced ourselves are facts) in these situations, so let’s keep on moving to the next step.
Tip 5- Reframe
Consider an alternate lens and look at your thoughts in another way. Challenge your beliefs and other aspects of the current frame. Some examples are: a weakness is now a strength, a distant possibility as a near possibility, unkindness as a lack of understanding, a problem as an opportunity, etc.
Next time you find yourself impulsively posting on social media or falling prey to one of these thought traps be curious about it and take the time to explore and honor your thoughts. The more time you spend embracing the uncomfortable through the abovementioned process, you will be able to move beyond the comparison game and truly be able to enjoy the little things in life.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
7 Things Counseling Should and Shouldn't Be
We’ve all seen the word, or variations of the word within the mental health scene. We know someone who has been in counseling or maybe we’ve had first-hand experience with it. But I don’t think a lot of people know what should and shouldn’t happen within the counseling hour, and honestly, I don’t think that’s their fault.
coun·sel·ing
/ˈkouns(ə)liNG/
noun
1. the provision of assistance and guidance in resolving personal, social, or psychological problems and difficulties, especially by a professional.
We’ve all seen the word, or variations of the word within the mental health scene. We know someone who has been in counseling or maybe we’ve had first-hand experience with it. But I don’t think a lot of people know what should and shouldn’t happen within the counseling hour, and honestly, I don’t think that’s their fault. The nature of mental health client/counselor confidentiality and societies viewpoints on this field plays a big role in this “unknown world of the counseling hour”. But I am here to share 7 tips of what you “should” and “shouldn’t” expect when entering therapy with a new counselor.
1. You SHOULDN’T expect it to be like your typical medical physicians’ checkup.
It’s easy to associate mental health with your body and how to take care of your mental health with how you take care of your body. But it’s not quite the same. I mean there are some similarities; you make an appointment, drive to that appointment, enter the waiting room, fill out some paperwork, browse through a magazine and then someone calls your name (probably mispronouncing it) but that is where the similarities stop. 1) hopefully the physical décor within the office is slightly less sterile than your physician’s office and 2) that your counselor doesn’t say “okay everything looks good see you back next year” at the end of your appointment. Most people don’t go to their medical physician more than 5 times a year, but most people are seeing their therapist more than 20 times a year. If you enter counseling you are going to be expected to attend weekly, or bi weekly sessions for an estimated 3 months to a year or more.
2. You SHOULD be motivated and invested in your treatment.
One of the most important things you should expect is to be motivated and invested in your counseling process. There is a common myth out there that entering counseling makes one “too focused on themselves”. And it’s true, counseling does involve reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, choices, and relationships and increasing your self-awareness. But the point of all that increased awareness is to allow you to make more informed choices about what’s important to you, how you get your needs met in the world, and how you impact other people. While it does take a certain amount of self-reflection, it often results in you being more attuned to and present with other people in your life. Taking care of yourself actually frees you up to be a better friend, partner, parent, and colleague.
3. You SHOULD like and trust your counselor.
Sounds like a big ole “DUH”. But you will not believe the number of people I have met with that have described their past counselor as “totally opposite than me” or someone who “didn’t get me” or “had totally opposing beliefs as me”. Suggestion to the masses, do your research prior to entering counseling! If you are someone who often cusses and is abrasive, you might not want to pick the counselor who is highly professional and uses sophisticated language throughout their site. Pick someone who is more in line with your personality and wants for your future.
And even if you do your research beforehand and figure out you aren’t vibing after a few sessions, that’s okay! Let your counselor know this, and who knows there might be something that can be done to make you feel more comfortable or maybe there isn’t. But the good thing to note is that there are thousands of human helpers in your city and your counselor would be happy to provide you with a referral to a better fitting therapist.
4. You SHOULDN’T expect it to be easy.
Unfortunately, there is no “magic pill” and counselors don’t have wands that we wave around to solve your problems (because trust me, if I did, I would be waving it around like crazy and happily be out of a job). Counselors won’t tell you to go home and “rest, ice, compress and elevate” to heal your broken heart after a break up, or to assist in the grieving process after a loss of a loved one. They will tell you to keep coming back and that the counseling process will assist you in feeling more connected, more capable of dealing with the challenges of adulthood, and more empowered to make decisions and follow through on plans that reflect your renewed sense of self and purpose.
5. You SHOULD experience some feelings of discomfort.
As is the case with most things in life, there are both benefits and risks while participating in counseling. Counseling may improve your ability to relate with others, provide a clearer understanding of yourself, your values, and your goals, and it often helps relieve stress immediately. Along with these benefits, counseling will also involve discussing the unpleasant parts of your life, and you may experience uncomfortable feelings during these moments. But remember that using the awareness of one’s pain can aid the healing process and result in better relationships with yourself and others.
6. You SHOULDN’T expect your counselor to fix your problems.
The goal of counseling is not for someone else to “fix” your problems. Counselors are here to help you to identify those concerns and to set new goals for yourself. In therapy you will solve problems by working collaboratively with your counselor to explore your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. In doing so, you can explore all your options and make a decision as to how to best achieve your goals. In the end, YOU know yourself the best, therefore YOU are the best one to “fix” your problems!
7. You SHOULD experience personal growth.
A lot of people enter counseling with the goals to “feel less” of something or “more of” something else, but the overall goal for everyone’s treatment should be personal growth. At the end of the day all we have control of is our own thoughts and actions. Therefore, more time needs to be spent on developing a sturdy ground for our internal and external selves to stand on. So, when shit does hit the fan and we are needing to “feel less of” this or “more of that” we are able to sort through our tool box and get our needs met with the assistance of a counselor, and eventually alone.
Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY
Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC
I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.