So often during my free 15 minute consultation calls - that I do with prospective clients - so many individuals say that they want “someone to tell them what to do”, “they want someone to listen to them and give them non-judgmental advice on their life”.
I always make sure to listen and understand what these prospective clients are saying - while at the same time making sure that I am clear and upfront that I do not give my clients direct advice and will not tell them what to do with their lives.
I am not sure because I am not listening in on other therapists consultation calls but I don't think many counselors or therapist do this during the consultation call but I do because I think it's important for prospective clients to understand that therapist and counselors are not here to give advice and tell people what to do with their lives - but are here to support people in understanding their internal world better and creating some clarity so it is easier for them to make the decisions on their own.
Those professionals that don't correct the prospective clients during the call aren't doing anything wrong. I think they are just hoping that that individual comes into session continues in therapy and understands through the process that the therapeutic relationship is not designed around advice giving and that it’s created and maintained around a non-judgmental trained professional assisting the client in finding the answers within themselves.
Quite honestly who am I to give my clients - let alone anyone - advice on their life. I am a human with all sorts of thoughts, feelings and sensations going on in my life and if I were to give advice to a client - it would be coming from some part of me and not the spot inside of me that is genuinely curious about my clients experience and wants to understand what it is like for them to be them.
Now that doesn’t mean if I did give my clients “advice” it would cause harm to them or be coming from some “bad” space inside of me. Likely it would be coming from a super loving and caregiving side of me that wants the best for my client. But the issue with this is I can only give advice from my lens and my lens is not the same as my clients and therefore throwing my lens onto them could not be what they need. Nor will it help them in the future when I am not there to “tell them what to do”.
I spend an hour with my clients every week or every other week for a couple months or years. Either way I do not know them as well as they know themselves - therefore leaving them the best people to make decisions for their day or day lives.
With that being said - I and other counselors who work from this framework are not just passively sitting in the room and listening to our clients talk.
What I see to be a better fit for long term success for all is for me to focus on me and my parts and for the client to focus on themselves. What this looks like is me being very aware of all parts of me (thoughts, feelings and sensations I am having in response to what my client is sharing with me) and who is online in my head (caretaker, educator, professional, etc). Again this is a very important part of the process because if I am not focused and aware of “who is online in my head” my caretaker or my educator could be leading the entire session and this is not always the best for clients. To ensure that I am remaining as curious, open and compassionate towards my client as possible I am constantly bringing awareness to my internal experience allowing this open and non-judgmental energy to swirl around the room and allow for the client to experiment with.
On the clients end - for them to focus on them looks like the following. Sharing whats on their mind and noticing the different thoughts, feelings and sensations that come up in response to what they just shared, want to share or are afraid to share. Sometimes these can be shared and other times its fine to just notice them internally. But knowing that there is nothing that is off the table to bring into sessions with your provider.
EX) wanting to come in and talk about something but fearing that the therapist will judge them for having certain thoughts or going through certain experiences so they don’t share it at all. Instead of holding all of that awareness alone and to yourself - maybe try sharing with your provider that there is something on your mind that you want to explore but are scared that there might be judgment (not needing to share the thing but just that there is a space inside of you that is very worried about being judged about sharing this thing). Your provider will be able to meet you where you are at and work with that fearful part and provide some reassurance to it, hear its past experiences as to why it fears judgment and connect with it in a way that it might not of ever been connected with before.
Bringing everything back to the idea that therapists are not here to give advice. But are here to meet clients where they are at and that there are no expectations for what is and is not shared in session. Because again if I was over here giving advice to my clients I would not be doing that from a space that is trying to meet them where they are at with genuine curiosity - I would be meeting them with my problem solver, fixer, caretaker etc. part and that is not always what the client need. Typically clients need to be connected with, heard, understood and just provided a space to be.
Again - that cannot happen if I am over here giving advice. Remember that we all have those parts inside of us that just want someone to tell us what to do and would be really good rule followers if someone stepped in and told us what to do - but that is just not how therapy works. So when your provider sets this boundary - it can definitely frustrate certain parts of us that really just want someone to tell them what to do. What can be helpful is to get to know this part a bit more and hear about what it really wants for you by someone telling it what to do. Does it want relief? A break? Just slow down and get curious with it to see.
Written by Shannon Gonter, LPCC in Louisville, KY. Providing telehealth to those in KY and office based and walk and talk sessions to those located around the Louisville area.