Create personal goals and expectations (more realistic ones)
Go ahead and let yourself know that you are enough. What you are doing right now, and thinking right now and feeling right now IS ENOUGH.
By letting go and setting some more realistic goals you’ll gain so much because you will no longer be spinning your wheels trying to reach the impossible.
Challenge negative thoughts and your inner critic
Let’s turn down the volume to that negativity! Your emotional wellbeing does not need to be beaten up, so back off and switch things up.
EX Perfectionistic Thoughts: My co-workers should never be late for meetings. If my co-workers are late it is because they don’t care about me or the topic at hand.
EX Alternative Thoughts: Maybe they lost track of time, or maybe they got stuck in traffic. Even when we try to be on time, sometimes life happens. Heck, this even happens to me sometimes!
EX Evaluating Perfectionistic Thoughts and Alternative Thoughts: My alternative thoughts are far more plausible and realistic. My perfectionistic thoughts really don’t serve me any purpose (other than getting me all wound up).
EX Choosing a More Realistic and Helpful Perspective: This really isn’t that bad, its just a few minutes. And if it continues to be a regular issue, then I will address it with them at a later date.
Look at the big picture
Get out of the details and let’s look at the bigger picture. Often times perfectionists getting bogged down with the nitty gritty and it can end up causing more worry than what is useful.
You can ask yourself the following questions to assist in this process:
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
Prioritize yourself
Focus on self care. Connect with loved ones, invest in therapy, re-connect with an old hobby, read, get outside, go for a walk, take deep breaths…
Say “no” more
We know you’ve got high ambitions but #YOUCANTDOITALL
Learn to set boundaries and say “no” to the things that don’t need to have your hand in, don’t fill you up or you don’t want to do. Setting healthy boundaries will assist you in regaining control of your schedule and energy levels.
Repeat, repeat, repeat… “time off is not time wasted”
Being bored is good. Resting is great and taking breaks is necessary! For perfectionist, it is easy to practice that relaxation is wasted time not spent on achieving said goals.
But in reality our creativity originates and grows in times of rest. This down time gives us the ability to remain healthy and feel refreshed so when it is time to get back at it we can show up as our full selves and chip away towards our goals.
Trust, trust, trust
Remind yourself that it’s all going to work out (in time). Provide yourself some reassurance using the data from your life to show yourself that you get things done. Feel secure opposed to being overwhelmed. Don’t panic because your history shows that you are a “doer” and that it will all get done (with time).
Take breaks
Sometimes these will be 1 minute breaks, 5 minutes breaks or hour long breaks. Important thing is that you are taking a break. For those of you that the thought of taking breaks initiates that “breaks = wasted time” alarm just take a breath. It may not be natural for you to prioritize yourself, so it may be helpful for you to schedule in your breaks. This will get you used to what it feels like in order to see the benefits and the importance of recharging.
Use “Hypothesis Testing”
Let’s carry out some small experiments. Try sending an email without proofreading it, show up a few minutes late to a meeting, buy something online without reading every single review. According to perfectionist standards, this may seem like half ass-ing things.
So yeah, let’s try that and see if the world ends?! Even if the result ends up being “negative”, it probably wasn’t as bad as you thought it was going to be (though you brain may be telling you something different).
And how did it feel to not drive yourself (or others) crazy? Or did you gain back some time or save some energy that could be used elsewhere?
From When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism:
An excellent way to test the accuracy of your perfectionistic thoughts and predictions is to carry out small experiments, a process also known as hypothesis testing. Carefully designed experiments will provide an opportunity to disprove your perfectionistic beliefs. For example, if you tend to write papers that are too detailed, try leaving out some of the detail and seeing what happens. Regardless of the outcome, you will obtain valuable information. If there is no consequence, you will learn that your beliefs about the importance of including all of the details are not true.
Take a vacation
Doesn’t have to be fancy. Maybe its a 1/2 day trip, full day trip or weekend getaway, There is nothing like getting out of your regular schedule or town and spending time in a different way.
Stop multitasking
You think you are the exception to the multitasking rule, but you're not. You are wasting your time trying to do it all and do it all at the same time. Stop doing all the things and stop doing them all at once!
Don’t hold others to the same standards (this will take practice)
When you navigate your life doing everything perfect, it is common to have those expectations carry over to how we expect others to behave. Issue with this is that not everyone is wired like you. Bring awareness to the thoughts and expectations you have of others and challenge and shift those just as you would if they were thoughts about yourself (see above).
Take on someones else’s perspective
Point of view is a very important aspect of human connection and interaction. , Perfectionist often have a hard time seeing others perspectives but being able to take on someone else’s perspective can be very beneficial. For example, if i think “I am lazy” because I went to the gym for an hour today and not 2 hours, it might be helpful to think about this from someone else’s perspective. So, to do this I could ask myself
How would Susan (friend) view this situation?
Are there other ways of looking at this situation?
What would I tell a close friend who was having this dilemma?
Reward yourself
Remember that a big thing keeping the perfectionistic standards top priority is FEAR OF FAILURE. And it is tough work facing your fears head on. So give yourself a break and pamper yourself throughout this lifelong journey of change.
Shannon Gonter, LPCC
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
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